Well, it is upon us once again. Where half the country comes to party on our golden shores, cruise our theme parks, clog our roads, take all our camping spots, and drink our beer.
I can’t complain too much, though. Florida is awesome; it’s why I came to live here permanently, so I understand why people flood our great state for their vacations. And all these people are bringing money to inject into our economy…can’t complain about that either, although I haven’t yet figured out how to directly benefit from all these dollars. Maybe someday…a man can dream, you know.
Regardless though, I’ve been in Florida long enough to get thoroughly annoyed by the merciless onslaught that Spring Break brings and I’m sure you feel the same way. So I put together a guide to help Florian’s survive the carnage that is Spring Break:
Surviving The Beach
I remember once going to Daytona beach during Spring Break. When I got there I saw there was so many people that you couldn’t even see the freakin’ sand. It was just an endless patchwork of beach towels with tourists ranging in color from a doughy white paste to lobster red pretending that they were enjoying themselves. But the truth was nobody was enjoying themselves. There wasn’t even room to stretch out your legs. It’s like going to one of those clubs that pack people in like sardines and then charge $9 beers and play crazy loud music. Nobody is having fun, but everybody tells everybody else that they had a spectacular time.
Not only is it not fun to not be able to move on the beach, you also have to deal with these kinds of people at the beach:
- The Stereo People – You know these people–they cannot possibly listen to their favorite tunes with a pair of headphones. No, sir! Only a stack of speakers connected to a subwoofer that shakes the very sand on the beach will do! And never mind any sense of decency! Only the most vile and vulgar artists will do! Racial slurs? Check! The words “fuck” and/or “bitch” and least 20x per track? Check! Graphic details of what the songwriter is gonna do when he gets his bitch back to the hotel room? Check!
- The Seagull People – Are the seagull people everywhere or am I just that lucky that every time I go to the beach the seagull people come to sit next to me? They have an endless supply of potato chips, crackers and bread that they joyfully share with the shit-machines known as seagulls. They gleefully run circles around their area of the beach with food in hand in order to draw in hundreds of seagulls to create a spiraling hurricane of shit chasing a potato chip.
- The Cancer Stick People – When these people hit the beach, they smell that sweet, wonderful, salt-tanged, fresh, fresh air and think, “Wow, what amazing, pure, fresh air! The only thing that could possibly make this better for everybody is if I endlessly chain-smoke repugnant smelling, cancer-causing cigarettes and then flick the butts into the sand for all the kiddoes to dig up when they are building their sand castles! I am so smart that I thought of this!”
- The Passionate Lovers People – These people are super-duper, passionately in love, they are so in love that they cannot keep their passion to themselves and must share it with everybody around them. They loudly quarrel, kiss, cry, quarrel, yell, hug, scream, make-out, spoon and then dry-hump on the beach.
- The People That Don’t Watch Their Kids Because They Know That You Won’t Let Their Kids Drown People – I don’t know how many times this has happened to me, but it has happened a lot. Is it because I actually go into the ocean, play with my kids, and take responsibility for their safety? Somebody else’s children start to play with your children, and before you know it you’re not playing with your kids anymore but just making sure that your kids and the stranger’s kids don’t drown. You wave at the other parents, who are busy hammering beers, and they wave back yelling, “Just let us know if little Johnny and Jane is causing trouble!” as if you had some sort of babysitting arrangement. “Actually,” you reply, “I’m just here to play with my kids.” “Okay!” they say,”Johnny and Jane, don’t go too far in the water!” And then they’ll roll over for a suntan, safe in the knowledge that you won’t let their kids drown.
Surviving The Highway
With added snowbirds and tourists, the highways get slammed. Commutes to work get frustratingly longer. If you have the unfortunate task of daily commuting on I-4 in Orlando, near the theme parks, my heart goes out to you.
If you do have to navigate the deadliest stretch of interstate in the USA (I-4 near Disney) I recommend to just assume everybody would rather ram you off the road to a fiery death Mad Max style than miss their exit for The Happiest Place On Earth. So be on guard.
Unfortunately, you will have to leave earlier to get to work. So, my suggestion is to make the most of your car ride–podcasts and audiobooks in order to get smarter and Jimmy Buffett songs to remind you that you are in fact living in paradise while that RV just sideswiped you.
Surviving The Grocery Store
Tourists love to run amuck in your local grocery store, jamming up the checkout lines and buying all our beer.
I actually do have a hack for this one. I know Publix is kinda the Florida grocery store, but many Walmart stores now do all the shopping for you and my wife and I started using this strategy. You order everything online from bananas to frozen pizzas and they’ll meet you in the parking lot, free of charge, with all your goodies. So I suggest that.
As far as beer goes, I don’t think Florida will actually run out of beer during Spring Break, as that would be a PR nightmare, but just to be on the safe side I like to make sure I’m well stocked prior to the tourist season and you should do the same–it’s just like when you prepare for a hurricane!
Surviving The Theme Parks
I know–the easy way to survive the theme parks during Spring Break is to not go, but Spring Break lasts about two months and I know I’m gonna need to get a fix at least once during that time.
If you go to Busch Gardens, you should grab the best Busch Gardens guidebook in the world and you’ll be good to go. If you want to go to Disney all I have to say is “Have you lost your mind?” Place is a death trap during Spring Break, and by “death trap” I mean you’ll spend a lot of money for the privilege of walking around on concrete and standing in lines.
No matter what you do, just know that you’ll have to deal with:
The People That Insist On Stopping In The Middle Of A Walkway To Check Their Map – You know these people. They cannot possibly step to the side of the walkway to look at the map. They must STOP IMMEDIATELY, open the map, and stare at it while people behind them bump into each other to try to avoid crashing into the map readers.
The Line-Cutters – “Excuse me, excuse me–somebody I know is at the front of the line so I get to cut the 90 minute line, please move, coming through.”
The parents that threaten their tantrum-throwing child with “We are gonna have fun or else I’ll cancel Christmas for the rest of your life.” I may be guilty of this one.
The Death Trap That Is The Parking Lot When Everybody Is Ready To Leave – I suggest installing a battering ram to the front of your vehicle in order to make it out of the theme park parking lot in a reasonable amount of time.
How To Thrive During Spring Break
Okay, so far I gave you a lot of good pointers for surviving, but now we are going to look at thriving.
Camping
I love to camp, that is for sure. But it’s annoying that all the campsites at state parks get booked up and the chances for a spontaneous weekend camping trip are just about nil.
BUT…don’t forget to check out the Florida State Forests and the free camping that can be had at Florida’s Water Management District Lands, as these places can be overlooked.
Also, daytrips to state parks are a great solution for enjoying yourself while avoiding the Spring Break insanity. Most people head to the theme parks or the beaches, but not so much the excellent, interior state parks.
Reading
While I do love getting out, the two months of Spring Break may be a good time to stay home (or go to the beach) and crack open a new Florida book!
A few recommendations:
Travis McGee Series – This is a must read series for Floridians. Start with A Deep Blue-Good by.
Their Eyes Were Watching God – A classic FL story and includes the best description of a hurricane of all time.
The Yearling – The FL classic about a boy and his deer.
Tourist Season – A Carl Hiaasen book that presents a solution to handling the tourist problem.
The Everglades: River of Grass – The best book ever written about the Everglades.
Driving
You will spend more time driving to work in the morning. Do as I do and get smarter–find a podcast that teaches you something or listen to FL literature via the audiobook.
And, of course, you will have to leave you adobe earlier than normal to get to work.
Expect Craziness
If you are mentally prepared for the craziness of Spring Break, then you won’t be surprised when you see it. So when somebody cuts you off, you won’t be upset! You knew it was coming!
Happy Spring Break!
